the game

...today, i woke up with this stupid, absurd, ridiculous and so childish thought, actually i couldn't even sleep because of the anxiety that caused to me (at the same moment i was reviewing all the images of my immediate past...):

why doesn't anyone seems to care about what's happening?

everyone seems to have "move on" and going on with their lives...

and i'm the only stupid girl who is stuck in the emotional & mellow "love" world

trying to figure it out what went wrong or what could i still do...

but instead, everybody smiles, celebrate, go on, have fun, everyone but me...

didn't i love you enough?, that, not even for some respect or consideration to our whatever we have had could make you show some interest?

but i was so wrong. 

it doesn't means that i need what normal people need as a party, go out, celebrate or some distraction to go on or pretend to go on with my life... & not even in this kind of moments i use to do that kind of things... so i thought that we are simply different, sadly sorrowfully, but in the other hand fortunately, different & i made a self statement: 

this is it. that's enough. i renounce to love. i'm no victim whatsoever (in case you misunderstood what you've read).

i'm trying to understand the game, how normal people play, behave & deal with the things are suppose to be important or were important in some part of their lives. i think i will, although it hurts strong enough. 

or who knows, maybe they don't care, maybe they don't care at all. & love is in fact only an ilusion.

M

 

the third miracle

S.- ...my life is very strange, i just... i don't do anything normal. i... i can't..-

E.- ...i know... i know you... i know your life...-

S.- what do you want?-

E.- ...i want you...-

S.- ...for how long?-

E.- ...it doesn't matter...-

S.- ...say you love me...-

E. -...i, love you...-

that means forever. true love never ends.

*The Saint. 1997.

asi es mi pasión

...el amor, se hace sencillamente en un beso...

entre defectos y virtudes

Y -aquí en corto, ¿cómo puedo saber que es la persona correcta?-

T - has de valorar sus defectos y virtudes...-

Y -¿cómo?-

T -te gustan las fórmulas y esto de la cientificidad no?, científica y cuánticamente comprobado está que una persona ha de tener tres virtudes más que la suma de sus defectos, es decir, 5 defectos y 8 virtudes por poner un ejemplo; de no ser así, date media vuelta porque el fracaso será inminente. la gente no cambia, evoluciona Mónica. generamos acuerdos para emocionalmente lastimarnos menos entre nosotros por el amor que creamos, y gracias al amor evolucionamos y la evolución se alcanza con retroalimentación, compromiso, paciencia, templanza y fortaleza. debes tener en cuenta que cuando espiritualmente no estás al mismo nivel que tu pareja, el estancamiento será también inminente.

Y -wow..., vaya fórmula-

T -ah, y ten cuidado con lo que lanzas al universo, con lo que piensas, tu energía es muy fuerte y no puedes andar por la vida lanzando pensamientos a diestra y siniestra...-

Y -bah, esto le has de decir a todo el mundo- te dije. ...aunque ya me lo habían dicho antes, pensé.

T -mmm, eres una mujer escéptica y te gustan los retos, pero sabes que?, tu niño interno es precioso tu alma no puede engañarme, dónde lo dejaste?-

Y -...lo que me quedaba de inocencia lo dejé en Auschwitz... y mi niño interno ¿dónde lo dejé? ...lo dejé en el último adiós...-

T -...lo rescataremos sin duda... es maravilloso. te sorprenderás y verás que tus virtudes son más que tus defectos pero eres la única que no lo sabe-. escépticamente me levanté del diván, respiré y abandoné la habitación.

de tardes de terapia y respiros profundos.

M

you are what you love

here, between us.

Ch. -...it doesn't seem to bother you what people think of you...-

D. -...of course i do...-

Ch. -when we were in college ...i saw you talking to this girl... filtring with her & she was being really sweet to you-

D. -..oh god how i was in love with her...-

Ch. -...and then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you... and it was like they were laughing at me!... you didn't know?! ... you seemed so happy...-

D. -...i knew, i heard them-

Ch. -....well how come you were so happy?

D. -...oh god how i loved her, but it was mine, that love. i owned it. even she didn't have the right to take it away. i can love whoever i want...-

Ch. -...but she thought you were pathetic...-

D. -...that was her business, not mine. you are what you love, not what loves you. that's what i decided long time ago...

*Adaptation. 2002. Streep, Cage.

change

S. -what i came to understand is that change is not a choice. it happens, and you are different-.

you can lie about it, you can pretend that everything is the same, you can fool anyone or at least think you are fooling them, but still, the change has taken place and you can not fool yourself or avoid it. it just happens...

like when you suddenly realize, you're in love.

*Adaptation 2002. Streep, Cage.

adaptation

in the mood of orchids.

L. - adaptation's a profound process. It means you figure out how to thrive in the world-.

S. - yeah, but it's easier for plants. I mean... they have no memory. You know they just move on to whatever's next. But a person, you know... adapting's almost shameful. I mean, it's like running away.

* Adaptation. 2002 Streep, Cage.

My ghost orchid

" Should one be lucky enough to see a ghost orchid... all else will seem eclipsed.."

-If the ghost orchid was really a phantom it was such a bewitching one

that could seduce people to pursue it, year after year...-

The black orchid

“...every one of these flowers has a specific relationship with the insect that pollinates it. There's a certain orchid looks exactly like this certain insect. So the insect is drawn to this flower… its double, its soul mate… and wants nothing more than to make love to it.

After the insect flies off, it spots another soul-mate flower and makes love to it, thus pollinating it. And neither the flower nor the insect will ever understand the significance of their lovemaking. How could they know that because of their little dance, the world lives?. But it does. By simply doing what they’re designed to do something large and magnificent happens.

In this sense, they show us how to live. How the barometer you have is your heart. How when you spot your flower, you can’t let anything get in your way” .

In the life search for the sense of your existence & the chasing of phantoms, they will appear as this orchid did last night to me. The secret is to look harder & never give up, but the thing is that u won't know if u're prepared to face them -both, the sense & the ghosts-. Great lessons usually come from “simply” things.

* Adaptation, 2002. Streep, Cage.

...La libertad es incompatible con el amor... un amante es siempre un esclavo...

...Y no somos algunos acaso los que estamos dispuestos a pagar el precio de las cadenas a cambio de experimentar aunque sea por un minuto el desenfreno y el encanto brutal del mismo?... Germaine de Staël de hecho, no es una de los nuestros.

M

when nothing is left to offer, but the soul with all the heart

C. -...you wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues: wisdom, justice, fortitude & temperance. as i read the list, i knew i had none of them, but i have other virtues, (...) but none of my virtues were on your list. even then it was as if you didn't want me (...) for you-.

M.A. - (...) you go too far-.

C. -...i searched the faces of the gods for ways to please you, to make you proud. one kind word. one full hugh where you pressed me to your chest & held me tight would have been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years. what is it in me you hate so much?. All I ever wanted was to live up to you (...)-. 

M.A. -...your fault (...) is my failure (...)- 

C. -...i would butcher the whole world if you would only have loved me...- 

* Gladiator. 2000.

H. -...u know, i want u to be happy. more than anything else i wanted to be the cause of happiness in u, but if i'm not, then i can't stand in the way. do you see?, because what u're feeling now, is the unstoppable force, wich means i've got to move...-

*Imagine me & you 2005.

still

S. -…I don't know what you do in these situations, what you're supposed to say. It's the first time. But I think I'm in love with you-.

E. -…it's awfully sweet of you. And even though I don't know you, I like you. But... I'm not in love with you-.

S. -I don't care. I'll wait.

E. -For what?

S. -For you to fall in love with me too. Listen carefully. Every night, when I get off work, I'll come and wait beneath your window. Every night. When you change your mind, open your window. That's all. I'll understand...-

* Nuovo Cinema Paradiso. 1988.

Reflexiones perversas e inevitablemente, humanas.

¨...He (explained, describing what he thought the serial killer -himself- have done to the 12 year old victim Kimberly Leach) raped her from behind, tuged her hair and slashed her throat. The most powerful and spectacular orgasm this guy ever had¨*.

Tomando en cuenta la información que yace en mi mente y la serie de situaciones por las que mi fantasía viaja cada vez que trabajo, y tomando en cuenta que trabajo 24 horas al dia, nada parece suficiente. I got it, my sexual life sucks.

Como lo describe Holmes (1991), la fantasía es el recurso más poderoso de la vida interna emocional, sexual e intelectual del ser humano, a través del cual se compensan, reviven o perfeccionan situaciones reales que requieren satisfacción extra o re-análisis compulsivo. En el caso del agresor violento, la fantasía es el único recurso mediante el cual vive su realidad y se satisface a si mismo, pequeño detalle que nos diferencia y vuelve el hábito, patológico.

A mis 32, tengo satisfechas de manera más o menos equitativa cuatro de las cinco áreas básicas que todo ser humano debe tener cubiertas para funcionar adecuadamente. Cuando una de ellas está en estado crítico, las otras 4 tratan de equilibrarla: área profesional, área económica, área social, área sexual y área de pareja. Teniendo en cuenta que mi relación de pareja es a distancia, que nos vemos poco y que predomina más el amor tierno y cariñoso que el desenfreno sexual, la fantasía se está convirtiendo en el ÚNICO recurso para vivir y re-vivir mi realidad sexual. La chaqueta se ha convertido en el recurso más importante y el dildo en mi mejor amigo. Lo alarmante del caso, es que mi fantasía solía permanecer en un grado normal de perversión pero dada la ausencia de contacto físico, retroalimentación piel a piel y mi descanso en la mirada del otro, mi fantasía ha comenzado a innovar en terrenos tan ajenos a la naturaleza humana que están provocando una insatisfacción crónica y el derroche de pasión en otras áreas de mi normal funcionamiento. Lo anterior, tiende a volcar acaloradas las discusiones, a magnificar los detalles insignificantes y volverlos caóticos, a alimentar la intolerancia y a provocar que a través de la agresión, toda la energía interna acumulada por mis pulsiones, catártica y depravadamente, salga.

Es posible que la imagen y frase iniciales hayan herido la sensibilidad de quien lee, no obstante resulta interesante exponer el extremo de la expresión de una pulsión humana evidentemente coartada, ante la cual, la represión es gradualmente proporcional a lo que será la explosión, toda vez que la energía que la contiene encuentre una salida.

Los encuentros nocturnos fortuitos estan terminantemente descartados, los programas evangélicos han probado a través del tiempo resultar inservibles porque incrementan la represión; la chaqueta ultimamente ¨asquea¨ por aburrida. El gimnasio le funciona a algunos y no parece ser mala idea, pero, ¿a dónde se van los pensamientos que gradualmente incrementan su perversión y depravación?, ¿qué se suele hacer con ellos?, ¿cómo se erradican?. Llego a la conclusión, que después de todo soy sólo un ser humano como cualquier otro, proclive a corromperme y sin recursos privilegiados para manejar situaciones.

Any suggestions?

* In memorial of all the serial agressors victims, and with all the respect.

* Ted Bundy. Movie 2002.

* Holmes, Ronald. 1991. Sex Crimes. Sague Publications.

M

18.07.2006

¨if you find yourself in a dark room, walls arround, you are red and the blood comes from everywhere... don't be scared, you are in my heart...¨

23.13

Ps. de lo que sucede, solemos recordar con nostalgia, no anhelamos y jamás entenderemos...