¨there's always a moment when yo can decide to resist or give in¨

this is not about revenge, this is not about the guilty feeling and what comes next. this is about those kind of facts that happens to some of us, that we don’t understand & maybe we never will. some of us spend a big amount of time, looking for ¨justice¨ & we never realize that life is strange, has its own laws & its own time to make people reflect of what they/we have done & how to fix it.

when we look for justice, it seems that never come to us. but somewhere & somehow, one way or another there’s a pay back. rather we like it or not. & this can be anything, not what we r expecting to pay (or expecting them to pay). some people would say that the bad ones’ deserve what they get, but sometimes, life is just more than we can bear.

I still don’t understand this story about ¨good¨ & ¨evil¨, to tell u the truth, I don’t like it, I don’t like to think that what happens to us is just the responsibility of some kind of divine energy that comes from nowhere and suddenly it’s here. for me is easier to think that life is the result of what you decide, life is about decisions, but, still some times –as today- when i hear someone ask me ¨why me¨ without any acceptable reason, I just think that there’s something else out there that maybe is beyond our understanding. i have started to believe in energy, the good thoughts and the goodness & kindness that reproduces its nature. but I’m still a human being who is evolving, and as more I work with this kind of people, less I understand the universal laws.

for those who think there’s no justice, I’d like to share this.

¨I've been sentenced for a D.U.I. offense -Driving Under the Influence-. My 3rd one. When I first came to prison, I had no idea what to expect. Certainly none of this. I'm a tall white male, who unfortunately has a small amount of feminine characteristics. And very shy. These characteristics have got me raped so many times I have no more feelings physically. I have been raped by up to 5 black men and two white men at a time. I've had knifes at my head and throat. I had fought and been beat so hard that I didn't ever think I'd see straight again. One time when I refused to enter a cell, I was brutally attacked by staff and taken to segregation though I had only wanted to prevent the same and worse by not locking up with my cell mate. There is no supervision after lockdown. I was given a conduct report. I explained to the hearing officer what the issue was. He told me that off the record, He suggests I find a man I would/could willingly have sex with to prevent these things from happening. I've requested protective custody only to be denied. It is not available here. He also said there was no where to run to, and it would be best for me to accept things. I probably have AIDS now. I have great difficulty raising food to my mouth from shaking after nightmares or thinking to hard on all this. I've laid down without physical fight to be sodomized. To prevent so much damage in struggles, ripping and tearing. Though in not fighting, it caused my heart and spirit to be raped as well. Something I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for.¨

Letter from A.H. to Human Rights Watch, August 30, 1996.

¨life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get¨. i think is better if we try to be & stay safe. it's sad to accept the fact that sometimes we have to live those kind of things to realize what we have been doing. but sometimes, such a thing is not necessary. there's always a moment where we can decide. but some of us, understand & realize this, too late.

*Source. Human Rights Watch.

http://www.hrw.org/reports/2001/prison/report.html#N_1_

*Source. ¨Loneliness¨ by Luis Argüelles.